oh dear. for once in my life,well more like since maybe i was much younger, i might be yearning. its quite late at night,4am. A thought has festered in my mind. Maybe i want to love . i desperately want to care for somebody. I want to be someone's sole companion.
I don't like that i can feel it physically,i feel like a hole is in my heart. I consider myself "aromantic",i both feel a lack of romantic attraction, romance repulsed from a combination of unsavory experiences,andthe fact I don't associate with my physical self(i don't really really think anyone wantsto accomodate for that., unless they happen to be exactly like me; I live and exist purely online and abstractly, i think its a dysphoria thing... its a dysphoria thing.).. Yet i just want to be there for somebody.
Ugh. Gross. Its a disgusting thing isn't it. it really feels like its sticking to my insides. My god ! i wish i experienced things like a normal person. God forbid I feel bad because i simplydon;'t have someone by my side, it has to be for some complicated and abstract reasons making me disturbed at the thought of it... How unnerving...